Sunday, 25 September 2011

The Plan.

Your teenage years are for going wild. Drinking, partying staying out too late, getting home when the sun comes up, living for the weekend and the nights you will never remember with the people you will never forget.
The most influential years of 13-19 are about self discovery and events that will change your life. Finishing school, learning to drive, your first relationship, your first alcoholic drink and going to university are a small example of some of the stages that you go through in these years.
Now don’t get me wrong, i most definitely had my fair share of wild nights partying and getting up to mischief, but during this time i was also dealing with something much more mature than my years- a serious long term intimate relationship. Now most of you will think- so what, a relationship isn’t a big deal? But it’s only now that i am older and can reflect on the past 4 years that i have seen what i missed out on during this vital period.
During those 4 years i did have some amazing experiences that i will always treasure, such as holidays, days out etc... But i also gave up a lot of personal dreams along the way to suit my partner. When the time came for us to go our separate ways, i gradually started to get my life back on track. This was when the plan was created.
The plan helped me to deal with what i had been going through, and also to help me make the most out of life. There were 3 main parts to the plan.
1)      Being on my own.
2)      Friends.
3)      No serious relationships.
The first part was to learn to be on my own. As deep as this sounds i needed time to learn not to be so dependent on other people and enjoy my own company. This was not as hard as i thought it was going to be and the independence improved my confidence in talking and meeting new people. This first part of “the plan” was the most significant because i knew in myself, if I couldn’t be happy on my own- how could I expect anyone else to be happy with me.
The next stage was to gain back all the friends i felt i had lost or neglected whilst being wrapped up in the bubble of a relationship. This was the major piece of my life that i wanted to fix- and without doing so i would never have coped as well as i have done. Friends are the cornerstone of my life. When the rest of the world walked out, they walked in. During this period of time i learnt who my true friends were and who i could rely on. Without my friends, i can safely say i would have been a train wreck.
From then on my plan was to casually date- but nothing serious. After such a long term arrangement the last thing on my mind was rushing back into a full relationship. I wanted the experiences my friends had talked about whilst i was having early nights in front of the television. Dating new people helped me to change my too familiar life; i wanted excitement and spontaneity- without the long term commitment.
The plan was proving to be a success. I was enjoying life and generally feeling free and happy. But then i found the plan was not completely foolproof like i initially thought...

Remember the glass is always half full...

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Family Involvement

Civil. That’s how i wanted the relationship to be between the ex and myself. But i think that civility does not exist in his vocabulary, and so it seems he has passed this ignorance on to his family.  My reasoning for the split was due to his infidelity- a fairly valid reason. But now that i have started to move on i am now being subjected to a small hate campaign. I’m unaware of the exact lies that are being spun to them, but i thought they would respect me more as a person to ask me face to face, rather than ignore me when coming across me in public. I am an adult, they are adults, yet we cannot have a mature conversation.
When families get involved it takes the break up to a whole new level. Because no longer is it between 2 people. People that it does not directly involve have an opinion and feel their voice should be heard. When in actual fact it has nothing to do with them. I dealt with the stories myself, contacting the source and informing her how disappointed i was that she felt that way. I was greeted with a string of lies and dismissals about what she had said. I was tired of liars and people talking about things they had no idea about.
Situations like this helped me personally because i was able to find out my true friends and see his family for what they really were. Out of a negative situation there is always the chance to find a positive. In these circumstances that is what must be done, keep busy and surround yourself with positive people that do not listen to the drama. Remaining mature is the best way to get over an ex and the problems that come with it. Do not sink down to the level of ignorance- maintain your maturity and you will end up on top.
Remember the glass if always half full...

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Can We Be Friends?

The short term answer is no. Naively i believed that this could be achieved- how wrong i was. After a break up the individual who has ended the relationship looks for friendship, whilst this is the last thing on the other persons mind.
Personally i broke up with my ex due to the mistakes he made, therefore my opinion is that i did nothing wrong and was simply acting how i thought was appropriate. Whereas my ex on the other hand believed i was overreacting and should give him a second chance (to ruin things again). We did not see eye to eye on the break up and the reasoning behind it- causing extreme conflict between the pair of us. Idealistically i believed we could still speak and see each other- whilst living our own lives and seeing other people. But this is catch 22, your ex doesn’t want you- but doesn’t want anyone else to have you. So whilst he is happy having a casual friendship with you- and let’s be honest a casual sexual friendship- he doesn’t like the idea of you befriending new people and getting on with your life.
There is another issue with a relaxed “friendship” with your ex- it doesn’t give you the time to get over them. You slip back into old routines and to be honest it feels as though you haven’t even separated. What is the point of going through the heartache of ending the relationship if you are going to act as if you’re still together?
When i suggested we stop talking as much and spending time together, the idea went down like a lead balloon. This was when my ex realised i was moving on- and he wasn’t included in the plan. As much as i tried to keep conversation light hearted and friendly, the reality was that the feelings we both had for each other were too strong and pretending to be “just friends” wasn’t working. We had too much history together.
I believe that trying to become “just friends” after a break up is impossible. One half of the partnership is still licking their wounds from the heartache, whilst the other is trying to ease their guilt by remaining friends. In the short term it doesn’t work. In the future perhaps, but i haven’t got there yet. 5 months on and the relationship is just as bitter as the day it ended. As sad as it is to have a poor relationship with someone that was such an influential part of my life, it is also a blessing in disguise because i have seen his true character. It was better for me to witness this side to him 4 years down the line rather than 10 when we were married with children. This is when i truly understood the phrase “everything happens for a reason”. I swear by that saying. As awful as a situation seems, learn and grow from it and better things will come your way.

Remember the glass is always half full...

Saturday, 17 September 2011

When You Move On...

This is where the old saying “one rule for him and another for you” comes into play. Whilst the ex was young free and single being a lad about town, he believed this shouldn’t apply to me. He assumed I would be at home crying over the past- facebook stalking him.

How wrong he was.

They say the best way to get over a man is to get under another. I understand that comment will be frowned upon by some people, however personally I believe this is the single most important piece of advice I have ever received. Now do not get me wrong, after being with the same person for 4 years from a young age, apprehension does not even slightly cover the feelings I had about being intimate with someone other than my ex.

However it did not take long for help to arrive in the form of a male friend. After a few drunken nights of flirting and enjoying each others company, the moment arrived when I thought “what the hell, just go for it.” Encouraged slightly by a few alcoholic beverages one thing led to another, and before I knew it my former friend was seeing me in whole new light- tan lines and all. This would not be the first and last time I found myself falling into the arms of my “friend”. However after a few drunken fumbles, the novelty wore off and i wanted something more than what i was receiving.

I do not advise using male friends as rebounds- as much as this worked a treat. It did finish slightly messy and my idea of no strings I later found was not the same as his- one person always becomes attached. However this experience gave me the confidence to realise sex isn’t taboo and in fact is not as scary as I once thought. The idea of being naked with someone other than a long term partner horrified me. Now though, I can see how liberating the experience actually is.

Whilst I was off enjoying myself without a care in the world, pushing the troubles of my past to the side, my ex was completely unaware of my activities (due to my choice to keep things private).  However after a string of dead end dates and drunken snogs, by fate i met a keeper (more on those stories later). And it was by pure accident one morning that the pair of us should drive passed my ex. I instantly knew what was coming. That day a barrage of texts overtook my phone. Who was i with? What was i doing? Did i still love him; do we have a chance together?

Now hang on a minute let’s get this straight. This is the same guy that a few weeks earlier was telling me how “he’d been with so many girls he’d lost count”. Well the tables had certainly turned now. His rule was that he could see other people and do what he liked- but my rule was the opposite. Obviously this was not the case, and the ex did not take kindly to this new information. The situation i found myself in showed me two things.
1) My ex is an arrogant arsehole that believes the sun shines out of his backside and i could never find another him (good because i certainly wouldn’t want another him.)
2) i could do so much better- which i was in many ways. From that day he stopped contacting me completely. I thought i would feel sad but in fact felt quite the opposite. It was a relief. I felt enlightened and optimistic about the future- like i could do anything i set my mind too. And this, my readers, is where the journey really takes off...

Remember the glass is always half full...

When they move on...

He calls you, he ignores you, he loves you, and he hates you. Despite everything, each time he calls, your heart skips a beat and though you’ve convinced yourself you’re moving on and getting over him, those butterflies return.

Again that line is being reeled in and all your hard work is undone when you’re hooked on his every word. And though you hate to admit to yourself, the fact he is still pursuing you gives you a warm glow inside- a smugness that keeps a twinkle in your eye.

But what happens when one day it stops? No daily texts or calls- just silence? Suddenly, you aren’t his world and the person you spoke to everyday becomes as distant as strangers on the street. One day goes by, two days, three… on the fifth day temptation takes over and the promise you made of no contact has been broken.

On the other end of the line is no longer a sobbing mess that greeted you a week earlier. A cold uninterested blasé voice has taken its place instead with the words you have been dreading to hear.

“I’ve been with so many girls this week I’ve lost count. You were right, this is a good idea.”

The taste of vomit in your mouth makes you heave, a sinking feeling fills the pit of your stomach. Hanging up the phone a loud dry sob erupts from the depths of your chest. An unimaginable pain shivers through your whole body.
This is what it feels like to hit rock bottom. When you thought you couldn’t sink any further, hearing of your ex partner with someone else is like a knife through the heart.

This was my turning point. I could not hurt anymore and allow someone to make me feel this way. After hearing his comment I decided it was time for me to cut the line and release the hook for good and get on with my life. I deleted his phone number, pictures of us together, threw away the notes, letters and presents he once gave me. I wanted to completely eradicate the past and the pain.

Obviously there were a lot of tears, but after that day I chose the mature approach to see this as my chance to truly live my own life and make up for the time I had missed out on. I wished him well and contact was ceased once again.

That was until it was my turn to move on…

Remember the glass is always half full…

Friday, 16 September 2011

Why Do We Go Back? (or at least consider it...)

I’m moving on with my life, I’m having fun with friends and along the way I’m meeting new and interesting people. So why on earth am i thinking about giving him a second chance? This is the dilemma myself and friends have faced recently and i cannot seem to get my head around it. All the lies, the cheating, and betrayal- yet still I’m pining for the love that i have lost.
However is it the person we miss, or rather the relationship?
This is the problem that i faced. Did i miss my ex and what we had together and how he was? Or was i just craving the intimacy of a special relationship with another. In the first few weeks i was dead set that i missed my ex. Everywhere i turned there were constant reminders of him and the good times that we had shared together. This made me doubt myself and my decision and i slowly began to let him in again- Taking me on picnics, coming round to my house for “catch ups” and just gradually spending more time together. I could feel myself being sucked back into the hole that i had crawled out from, each day he had a tighter grip on me once again. That’s when i realised i missed the relationship not the person. I was sick of being manipulated and found the courage to put a stop to it once and for all.
That did not go down too well. It was all turned around on me, that i had given him false hope and was playing games- when in actual fact i just saw the truth and what was happening to me. Cutting all ties felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe again and be me. When in the midst of a break up and considering going back, i think the vital question to ask yourself is; do i miss him or the relationship? When you truly know the answer you can get on with your life, but one thing is for sure; no matter how scary your decision may be – you will be ok.
Remember the glass is always half full...

The Beginning Of The Rest Of My Life...

Dried tears down my face, hair scraped back and his pants on. This was the sight of myself in the days after the break up. I was a shadow of my former self. My skin looked dull, and already the eating ban was taking its toll on my body. I felt in physical pain at the loss of my best friend. The one person i wanted to speak to and for them to tell me everything was going to be alright- was the person that had caused me to feel this constant ache.
Waking up alone the morning after the break up, i found myself sleeping on “my side” of the bed. Rolling over to find the cold empty space where he once was. But i didn’t wallow, as much as it was tearing me apart inside i was determined to put on a brave face and show the world the real me- and leave the crying to the comfort of my room when i was on my own.
I went out, i drunk too much, i smoked cigarettes and didn’t eat. This may sound like a recipe for disaster, but for a few weeks this was exactly what i needed to do. I flirted, i danced, and I lost those extra pounds I had been trying to shed and was getting attention every time I went out. This gave me a confidence boost, other people were interested in me- i wasn’t on the shelf yet like my ex expected me to be.
As each week went by, the physical pain that i had been feeling gradually lessened until the point where i was numb to my ex’s advances. Once he saw i was doing perfectly fine on my own without him- he didn’t like it. That’s when they come crawling back and this is the hardest thing to do but is 100% necessary- ignore them. I wrote a diary so that i could remember how he made me feel when he cheated, and every time i even considered getting back with him- i read the diary. Not giving in and going back is the best thing i have ever, ever, ever done. I am proud of myself for having this strength. Not going back has allowed me to have new experiences that i would never have encountered otherwise... but you will just have to wait to find out those stories.
“Some people make your life better by walking into it- others make it better by walking out of it.”

Remember the glass is always half full...

Thursday, 15 September 2011

The Day My World Stood Still...

4 years and it was over. The fairytale had ended, and the world seemed to stop. As dramatic as that comment seems this was just a fragment of how I felt about “the break up”. For months i should have seen it coming; the tears, the arguments and constant bickering. But like many others i stuck my head in the sand, convinced myself it was a tough patch and we would march on through. That is the naivety of being in a serious relationship as a teenager.
The crushing reality when one partner no longer respects the other and strays from the relationship can only be described as the biggest act of betrayal.  Humiliation, defeat, and sadness swept over me. I genuinely had no idea how i was to move on from this point. I felt sick to my stomach. My appetite vanished replaced by an unsettling butterfly sensation and sharp lump in my throat. I had grown up with this person, experienced all of the biggest stages of my teenage years and become who i am today. And in one morning it had ended.
I cried, i screamed, i shouted until i was numb and couldn’t feel anymore. I felt alone, and empty. Staring into space contemplating what i should be thinking and feeling, running through my mind the past 4 years and what i could have done differently.  I had nobody to talk to. But i was wrong. In fact when i felt like my life was crumbling apart; it was only the beginning of the person i was to become. All of the pain, hatred and hurt would eventually fade and the beginning of a new chapter- A fresh page, of a new book. That was the day my world stood still, when everything i believed in faded and my new story began...

Remember The Glass Is Always Half Full...