Sunday, 8 January 2012

The burst bubble

Unfortunately i fell in love with Ibiza more than my companion of the trip. It was when i returned to a miserable cold, wet England that the fog clouding my eyes lifted. I was not falling in love with this person like i should be, and rather than missing there company, i was eager to be apart and see my family. Alarm bells were most definitely ringing. Going back to university and starting the next chapter of my adventure showed me i needed to break things off before they got to serious. This was harder than i anticipated. To his credit- he was persistent and i did question myself on numerous occasions, but i was sure this was necessary. The whirlwind romance i got caught up in, the lust and excitement finally dulled and spat me out.  
Long distance relationships are very hard work. And after a 4 year long distance struggle i knew i wasn’t willing to do this again. After many long dreaded phone calls the ties were cut and i was left to my own devices to start my second year adventure and my beloved university. Who knew what a strange exciting twisted year i was about to embark on...
Remember the glass is always half full..

The Holiday.

Driving to the airport shades on, tickets in hand and summer music playing through the speakers, i was ready for a few days of sun, sea and excitement. After a few drinks and short flight we arrived in Ibiza and was greeted with a warm blanket of heat, confirming to us we had landed on the Mediterranean white isle. As we pulled up outside a luxury 5 star resort, i commented on how amazing it would be to stay in a hotel like that one day- little did i know this would be my home for the next week. I was speechless; stunned into shock that he had paid for this beautiful resort- something i could only have imagined staying in.
Baring in mind we hardly knew each other, an enjoyable few days was had together. Swedish house mafia at Pacha was a personal highlight, along with watching the sunset with thousands of other party goers revelling in the last remaining light at cafe mambo. Lazy days and crazy nights. Our days were spent lounging by the pool and nights were spent drinking cocktails in the world’s best nightclubs and dining in exquisite restaurants with the freshest seafood money could buy. I had to pinch myself of several occasions to remind myself this was actually happening and not a dream. But the dream did have to end at some point and when i returned to earth i was brought back to reality with an almighty bump. University was looming..
Remember the Glass is always half full...

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

An Experience Like No Other...

I was whisked off my feet at the whirlwind romance and what i was experiencing. After “that” night in London a series of dates followed, such as snowboarding, dinners in luxurious restaurants, cinema, drinks and nights in with a take away. I was so caught up in the lust of the romance and the feeling of being wanted after such a traumatic few months was overwhelming. All the feeling of sorrow and depression was washed away each time i saw the new fling. It was moving quickly, but i didn’t think any of it, it was occupying me and saving me from myself- it was exactly what i needed. However after two weeks of being caught up in the fairytale the speed of how quickly things were moving hit me like a lightning bolt when i received a picture message from the new beau.

Flight confirmation- 2 passengers to Ibiza departing from Stanstead Airport on September 4th.

My heart was in my mouth. My fingers and toes began to tingle as i felt like all the air from within my body had been sucked out of me. In reply to the picture i asked if it was some kind of joke... but nobody was laughing. I knew things were moving fast, but this was an understatement. The weeks leading up to the holiday went by in a dream.

Working out a way to tell my family that i was off on holiday with someone i had known for 2 weeks was probably the scariest thing of my life. Concocting a plan a week before - informing them it was a surprise/present for before i went back to uni, and saying that i would be mad to turn it down. They were not impressed to say the least. But after the summer i had, i think they knew it was something i had to do. Since the break up, i vowed to say yes to everything (within reason) and start enjoying crazy experiences that do not come around often. And this was indeed- one of those moments.

I was apprehensive- its only natural. However excitement coursed through my veins, i felt alive and ready to create a memory that i would be sure to remember forever. That is certainly what it will be.

Remember the Glass is Always Half Full...

Sunday, 20 November 2011

The Morning After The Night Before.

Bare faced, bare foot and bearing an unusual looking bruise, i strolled through Knightsbridge in last night’s dress holding the hand of the man who had whisked me off my feet the previous night. After sitting at the reception of the hotel like naughty school children waiting to sign out of our room, i could only imagine what the staff were thinking. In front of them sat two hung-over under 25 year olds oozing alcohol from every pore, paying for a £300 a night room.
In my head i kept thinking “i do not normally do this”.
I will never know till the day i die why i mumbled those words out loud, but it was to be the start of a catchphrase between the pair of us. The walk of shame is known to be embarrassing enough- but mine turned out to be “the public transport journey of shame” that lasted nearly 2 hours. Dirty looks were received from 99% of the public. This included ticket officers, families, elderly couples and fellow teenagers. Although i felt/looked/was a state that morning, i was walking around in a bubble. Something inside me had changed, and that night had given me the confidence to be who i wanted to be (no, not wake up drunk in random hotels) but to actually live my life and have fun. Do crazy things i never even dreamt of doing before and live life with no regrets- even things i don’t “normally” do.
When i began this blog i said how i had started a new chapter of my life, and this night was definitely a new page in the story to show me better things were to come.
Remember the glass is always half full...

"I do not normally do this..."

I woke up naked, hung-over and dishevelled... in a 5 star hotel in Knightsbridge. I can only imagine all the thoughts that have been conjured up into your head upon reading that sentence- but let me set the record straight- “I do not normally do this.”
Those were the first 6 words i muttered to the man i woke up next to.
But first let’s backtrack slightly. 3 months on from “The break up”, i had been on a few dates with other guys, had a few casual snogs, but nothing will ever compare to this first date. After meeting through mutual friends myself and the “new guy” hit it off straight away. Both going through similar situations we found a common ground in partying, having fun and not taking life too seriously. After a week of talking, the first date approached and the location was London. This caused me to feel slightly hesitant, after Adidas trainer guy- i did not want a repeat of that date.
I arrived at the train station (yet again) in a gold sparkly dress and heels when the fear struck through me- what if i am taller than him? This dilemma has never normally occurred to me, but looking over the platform to the date that was awaiting me the problem dawned on me. Walking down the stairs i steadied myself on the rail (after a few glasses of wine for Dutch courage) and calmly walked over to the man i was to spend my evening with. The alarm inside me gradually melted as i neared “the new guy”.  Saying a small prayer of thanks for choosing my smaller heels (3 inches instead of 5) we were peaking at the same height and any issues or problems i had were instantly washed away.
 After a few drinks on the train we were comfortable within each other’s company and ready to forget our troubles for the night. Beginning at Covent Garden (i think I’ve heard this somewhere before...), we started with a few more drinks. Out on the balcony of a beautiful roof terrace bar overlooking the courtyard we were chatting and getting to know each other- gradually getting tipsy as the night went on. Somehow the conversation turned to earrings and piercings. Betting my date that i could put his earring back into his ear, i drunkenly embarked on my challenge- only to drop the earring at the feet of my date and a crowd of wealthy city workers. Crouched down on the floor i frantically searched for the silver stud, only to find out later that the set of earrings were a 21st birthday present that cost £300. My heart was in my mouth. I couldn’t speak. Trying to focus my alcohol fuelled double vision eyes on a 3mm diamond stud was one of the hardest tasks i have ever faced. But i was determined not to have to fork out £150 to replace that earring. Thankfully- god only knows how- amongst all those Louboutins and Jimmy Choos, i found that little diamond. 
My heart eventually stopped jumping out of my chest and the colour returned to my face, we moved on to a world renowned nightclub. The drinks were flowing, and shapes were thrown. And a genuinely good night was had by the pair of us... however at 3am neither of us was ready for the night to end.
This was how i awoke the following morning in a 5* hotel in Knightsbridge. What went on in that room is for me to know and for you to never find out! But it was to be the start of a whirlwind romance like no other...
Remember the glass is always half full...

The first date...

A million and one thoughts running through my head, what to say, wear, act, and do on the first date. After 4 years with the same person- comfort became my priority. Here i am on the platform dressed to the nines and ready to impress. London is the venue, a 24 year old 5 years my senior is the date, and a cute floral tan dress is the outfit.
Expectations are high after a chance encounter in a local bar brought us together, and the conversation flowed throughout the night leading to an exchange of numbers. A date was arranged hence the present situation i find myself in.
Butterflies in my stomach and sweaty palms, the train pulled into the station as apprehension rose within me. Walking up the stairs i scanned the station looking for my date, nerves were rife as i turned around and stood face to face with my company for the evening.
Dread filled within me.
 The good looking, charming and smart man i met 2 weeks previously had disappeared before my eyes. Now i like dishevelled hair- but caveman is not my style. Unshaven and stubble is sexy... but not when you look like Alan from the hangover. But, this was not what filled me with dread.
His shoes.
Shoes can speak a thousand words about a person. These shoes were saying all the wrong things. Now forgive me if I’m wrong, but on a date... to Covent Garden, with a girl you’re taking out- would you wear old worn out Adidas running trainers? Now this could be just me, but i think if a guy doesn’t wear good shoes and make the effort- does this reflect on how they will be in a relationship?
As far as the rest of the date was concerned, it was average- not bad, not good. Conversation was generally good with some awkward moments but in the back on my mind- i just couldn’t stop thinking about those trainers under the table. The date came to a swift end with brief goodbyes and a small peck on the cheek.  On the train home i decided Adidas guy wasn’t for me- and this finished before it began.
For a first date i think it was fairly successful. I needed to get myself out there after the long tiring few months i had endured after the break up. And this was exactly what i needed...
Remember the glass is always half full...

Sunday, 25 September 2011

The Plan.

Your teenage years are for going wild. Drinking, partying staying out too late, getting home when the sun comes up, living for the weekend and the nights you will never remember with the people you will never forget.
The most influential years of 13-19 are about self discovery and events that will change your life. Finishing school, learning to drive, your first relationship, your first alcoholic drink and going to university are a small example of some of the stages that you go through in these years.
Now don’t get me wrong, i most definitely had my fair share of wild nights partying and getting up to mischief, but during this time i was also dealing with something much more mature than my years- a serious long term intimate relationship. Now most of you will think- so what, a relationship isn’t a big deal? But it’s only now that i am older and can reflect on the past 4 years that i have seen what i missed out on during this vital period.
During those 4 years i did have some amazing experiences that i will always treasure, such as holidays, days out etc... But i also gave up a lot of personal dreams along the way to suit my partner. When the time came for us to go our separate ways, i gradually started to get my life back on track. This was when the plan was created.
The plan helped me to deal with what i had been going through, and also to help me make the most out of life. There were 3 main parts to the plan.
1)      Being on my own.
2)      Friends.
3)      No serious relationships.
The first part was to learn to be on my own. As deep as this sounds i needed time to learn not to be so dependent on other people and enjoy my own company. This was not as hard as i thought it was going to be and the independence improved my confidence in talking and meeting new people. This first part of “the plan” was the most significant because i knew in myself, if I couldn’t be happy on my own- how could I expect anyone else to be happy with me.
The next stage was to gain back all the friends i felt i had lost or neglected whilst being wrapped up in the bubble of a relationship. This was the major piece of my life that i wanted to fix- and without doing so i would never have coped as well as i have done. Friends are the cornerstone of my life. When the rest of the world walked out, they walked in. During this period of time i learnt who my true friends were and who i could rely on. Without my friends, i can safely say i would have been a train wreck.
From then on my plan was to casually date- but nothing serious. After such a long term arrangement the last thing on my mind was rushing back into a full relationship. I wanted the experiences my friends had talked about whilst i was having early nights in front of the television. Dating new people helped me to change my too familiar life; i wanted excitement and spontaneity- without the long term commitment.
The plan was proving to be a success. I was enjoying life and generally feeling free and happy. But then i found the plan was not completely foolproof like i initially thought...

Remember the glass is always half full...

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Family Involvement

Civil. That’s how i wanted the relationship to be between the ex and myself. But i think that civility does not exist in his vocabulary, and so it seems he has passed this ignorance on to his family.  My reasoning for the split was due to his infidelity- a fairly valid reason. But now that i have started to move on i am now being subjected to a small hate campaign. I’m unaware of the exact lies that are being spun to them, but i thought they would respect me more as a person to ask me face to face, rather than ignore me when coming across me in public. I am an adult, they are adults, yet we cannot have a mature conversation.
When families get involved it takes the break up to a whole new level. Because no longer is it between 2 people. People that it does not directly involve have an opinion and feel their voice should be heard. When in actual fact it has nothing to do with them. I dealt with the stories myself, contacting the source and informing her how disappointed i was that she felt that way. I was greeted with a string of lies and dismissals about what she had said. I was tired of liars and people talking about things they had no idea about.
Situations like this helped me personally because i was able to find out my true friends and see his family for what they really were. Out of a negative situation there is always the chance to find a positive. In these circumstances that is what must be done, keep busy and surround yourself with positive people that do not listen to the drama. Remaining mature is the best way to get over an ex and the problems that come with it. Do not sink down to the level of ignorance- maintain your maturity and you will end up on top.
Remember the glass if always half full...

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Can We Be Friends?

The short term answer is no. Naively i believed that this could be achieved- how wrong i was. After a break up the individual who has ended the relationship looks for friendship, whilst this is the last thing on the other persons mind.
Personally i broke up with my ex due to the mistakes he made, therefore my opinion is that i did nothing wrong and was simply acting how i thought was appropriate. Whereas my ex on the other hand believed i was overreacting and should give him a second chance (to ruin things again). We did not see eye to eye on the break up and the reasoning behind it- causing extreme conflict between the pair of us. Idealistically i believed we could still speak and see each other- whilst living our own lives and seeing other people. But this is catch 22, your ex doesn’t want you- but doesn’t want anyone else to have you. So whilst he is happy having a casual friendship with you- and let’s be honest a casual sexual friendship- he doesn’t like the idea of you befriending new people and getting on with your life.
There is another issue with a relaxed “friendship” with your ex- it doesn’t give you the time to get over them. You slip back into old routines and to be honest it feels as though you haven’t even separated. What is the point of going through the heartache of ending the relationship if you are going to act as if you’re still together?
When i suggested we stop talking as much and spending time together, the idea went down like a lead balloon. This was when my ex realised i was moving on- and he wasn’t included in the plan. As much as i tried to keep conversation light hearted and friendly, the reality was that the feelings we both had for each other were too strong and pretending to be “just friends” wasn’t working. We had too much history together.
I believe that trying to become “just friends” after a break up is impossible. One half of the partnership is still licking their wounds from the heartache, whilst the other is trying to ease their guilt by remaining friends. In the short term it doesn’t work. In the future perhaps, but i haven’t got there yet. 5 months on and the relationship is just as bitter as the day it ended. As sad as it is to have a poor relationship with someone that was such an influential part of my life, it is also a blessing in disguise because i have seen his true character. It was better for me to witness this side to him 4 years down the line rather than 10 when we were married with children. This is when i truly understood the phrase “everything happens for a reason”. I swear by that saying. As awful as a situation seems, learn and grow from it and better things will come your way.

Remember the glass is always half full...

Saturday, 17 September 2011

When You Move On...

This is where the old saying “one rule for him and another for you” comes into play. Whilst the ex was young free and single being a lad about town, he believed this shouldn’t apply to me. He assumed I would be at home crying over the past- facebook stalking him.

How wrong he was.

They say the best way to get over a man is to get under another. I understand that comment will be frowned upon by some people, however personally I believe this is the single most important piece of advice I have ever received. Now do not get me wrong, after being with the same person for 4 years from a young age, apprehension does not even slightly cover the feelings I had about being intimate with someone other than my ex.

However it did not take long for help to arrive in the form of a male friend. After a few drunken nights of flirting and enjoying each others company, the moment arrived when I thought “what the hell, just go for it.” Encouraged slightly by a few alcoholic beverages one thing led to another, and before I knew it my former friend was seeing me in whole new light- tan lines and all. This would not be the first and last time I found myself falling into the arms of my “friend”. However after a few drunken fumbles, the novelty wore off and i wanted something more than what i was receiving.

I do not advise using male friends as rebounds- as much as this worked a treat. It did finish slightly messy and my idea of no strings I later found was not the same as his- one person always becomes attached. However this experience gave me the confidence to realise sex isn’t taboo and in fact is not as scary as I once thought. The idea of being naked with someone other than a long term partner horrified me. Now though, I can see how liberating the experience actually is.

Whilst I was off enjoying myself without a care in the world, pushing the troubles of my past to the side, my ex was completely unaware of my activities (due to my choice to keep things private).  However after a string of dead end dates and drunken snogs, by fate i met a keeper (more on those stories later). And it was by pure accident one morning that the pair of us should drive passed my ex. I instantly knew what was coming. That day a barrage of texts overtook my phone. Who was i with? What was i doing? Did i still love him; do we have a chance together?

Now hang on a minute let’s get this straight. This is the same guy that a few weeks earlier was telling me how “he’d been with so many girls he’d lost count”. Well the tables had certainly turned now. His rule was that he could see other people and do what he liked- but my rule was the opposite. Obviously this was not the case, and the ex did not take kindly to this new information. The situation i found myself in showed me two things.
1) My ex is an arrogant arsehole that believes the sun shines out of his backside and i could never find another him (good because i certainly wouldn’t want another him.)
2) i could do so much better- which i was in many ways. From that day he stopped contacting me completely. I thought i would feel sad but in fact felt quite the opposite. It was a relief. I felt enlightened and optimistic about the future- like i could do anything i set my mind too. And this, my readers, is where the journey really takes off...

Remember the glass is always half full...

When they move on...

He calls you, he ignores you, he loves you, and he hates you. Despite everything, each time he calls, your heart skips a beat and though you’ve convinced yourself you’re moving on and getting over him, those butterflies return.

Again that line is being reeled in and all your hard work is undone when you’re hooked on his every word. And though you hate to admit to yourself, the fact he is still pursuing you gives you a warm glow inside- a smugness that keeps a twinkle in your eye.

But what happens when one day it stops? No daily texts or calls- just silence? Suddenly, you aren’t his world and the person you spoke to everyday becomes as distant as strangers on the street. One day goes by, two days, three… on the fifth day temptation takes over and the promise you made of no contact has been broken.

On the other end of the line is no longer a sobbing mess that greeted you a week earlier. A cold uninterested blasé voice has taken its place instead with the words you have been dreading to hear.

“I’ve been with so many girls this week I’ve lost count. You were right, this is a good idea.”

The taste of vomit in your mouth makes you heave, a sinking feeling fills the pit of your stomach. Hanging up the phone a loud dry sob erupts from the depths of your chest. An unimaginable pain shivers through your whole body.
This is what it feels like to hit rock bottom. When you thought you couldn’t sink any further, hearing of your ex partner with someone else is like a knife through the heart.

This was my turning point. I could not hurt anymore and allow someone to make me feel this way. After hearing his comment I decided it was time for me to cut the line and release the hook for good and get on with my life. I deleted his phone number, pictures of us together, threw away the notes, letters and presents he once gave me. I wanted to completely eradicate the past and the pain.

Obviously there were a lot of tears, but after that day I chose the mature approach to see this as my chance to truly live my own life and make up for the time I had missed out on. I wished him well and contact was ceased once again.

That was until it was my turn to move on…

Remember the glass is always half full…

Friday, 16 September 2011

Why Do We Go Back? (or at least consider it...)

I’m moving on with my life, I’m having fun with friends and along the way I’m meeting new and interesting people. So why on earth am i thinking about giving him a second chance? This is the dilemma myself and friends have faced recently and i cannot seem to get my head around it. All the lies, the cheating, and betrayal- yet still I’m pining for the love that i have lost.
However is it the person we miss, or rather the relationship?
This is the problem that i faced. Did i miss my ex and what we had together and how he was? Or was i just craving the intimacy of a special relationship with another. In the first few weeks i was dead set that i missed my ex. Everywhere i turned there were constant reminders of him and the good times that we had shared together. This made me doubt myself and my decision and i slowly began to let him in again- Taking me on picnics, coming round to my house for “catch ups” and just gradually spending more time together. I could feel myself being sucked back into the hole that i had crawled out from, each day he had a tighter grip on me once again. That’s when i realised i missed the relationship not the person. I was sick of being manipulated and found the courage to put a stop to it once and for all.
That did not go down too well. It was all turned around on me, that i had given him false hope and was playing games- when in actual fact i just saw the truth and what was happening to me. Cutting all ties felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe again and be me. When in the midst of a break up and considering going back, i think the vital question to ask yourself is; do i miss him or the relationship? When you truly know the answer you can get on with your life, but one thing is for sure; no matter how scary your decision may be – you will be ok.
Remember the glass is always half full...

The Beginning Of The Rest Of My Life...

Dried tears down my face, hair scraped back and his pants on. This was the sight of myself in the days after the break up. I was a shadow of my former self. My skin looked dull, and already the eating ban was taking its toll on my body. I felt in physical pain at the loss of my best friend. The one person i wanted to speak to and for them to tell me everything was going to be alright- was the person that had caused me to feel this constant ache.
Waking up alone the morning after the break up, i found myself sleeping on “my side” of the bed. Rolling over to find the cold empty space where he once was. But i didn’t wallow, as much as it was tearing me apart inside i was determined to put on a brave face and show the world the real me- and leave the crying to the comfort of my room when i was on my own.
I went out, i drunk too much, i smoked cigarettes and didn’t eat. This may sound like a recipe for disaster, but for a few weeks this was exactly what i needed to do. I flirted, i danced, and I lost those extra pounds I had been trying to shed and was getting attention every time I went out. This gave me a confidence boost, other people were interested in me- i wasn’t on the shelf yet like my ex expected me to be.
As each week went by, the physical pain that i had been feeling gradually lessened until the point where i was numb to my ex’s advances. Once he saw i was doing perfectly fine on my own without him- he didn’t like it. That’s when they come crawling back and this is the hardest thing to do but is 100% necessary- ignore them. I wrote a diary so that i could remember how he made me feel when he cheated, and every time i even considered getting back with him- i read the diary. Not giving in and going back is the best thing i have ever, ever, ever done. I am proud of myself for having this strength. Not going back has allowed me to have new experiences that i would never have encountered otherwise... but you will just have to wait to find out those stories.
“Some people make your life better by walking into it- others make it better by walking out of it.”

Remember the glass is always half full...

Thursday, 15 September 2011

The Day My World Stood Still...

4 years and it was over. The fairytale had ended, and the world seemed to stop. As dramatic as that comment seems this was just a fragment of how I felt about “the break up”. For months i should have seen it coming; the tears, the arguments and constant bickering. But like many others i stuck my head in the sand, convinced myself it was a tough patch and we would march on through. That is the naivety of being in a serious relationship as a teenager.
The crushing reality when one partner no longer respects the other and strays from the relationship can only be described as the biggest act of betrayal.  Humiliation, defeat, and sadness swept over me. I genuinely had no idea how i was to move on from this point. I felt sick to my stomach. My appetite vanished replaced by an unsettling butterfly sensation and sharp lump in my throat. I had grown up with this person, experienced all of the biggest stages of my teenage years and become who i am today. And in one morning it had ended.
I cried, i screamed, i shouted until i was numb and couldn’t feel anymore. I felt alone, and empty. Staring into space contemplating what i should be thinking and feeling, running through my mind the past 4 years and what i could have done differently.  I had nobody to talk to. But i was wrong. In fact when i felt like my life was crumbling apart; it was only the beginning of the person i was to become. All of the pain, hatred and hurt would eventually fade and the beginning of a new chapter- A fresh page, of a new book. That was the day my world stood still, when everything i believed in faded and my new story began...

Remember The Glass Is Always Half Full...